Maybe I

I am cold.
I am hard.
Drive me deep,
Leave a scar.

Kill the good to keep the bad.
All I want
Is all I had.
But now I have
What's not desired.
I don't want rain
Or ice
Or fire.

I don't want life,
but might want death
If death is all
This life has left.

But drive me deep
Through bony hand
Through Holy God
In bloody man.

I am a nail
I am his pain
I wear his blood
I wear his Name.

And hardened steel
Blood cannot break.
It cannot give
or keep or take.
It only changes
name to Name
to make your own
and mine the same.

It only gives thewound its balm
It won't prevent,
It will not calm
The frantic mind
The maddened heart
That tears my soul and life apart.

The only hope I have is Now

I don't see why,
I can't see how.

Blindness coversHoly light
Confusion makes my wrong
Seem right.

I sink into
familiar mud
That covers over
Holy blood
That seems now thinner,
Seems to fade
It seems to chase my hopes away.

I fear myself.
I fear the change.
I fear the world.

I fear the blade
That says my pain it will subdue.

(It's more than I
Can say for You.)

The edge is sharp to dull my pain
With lasting scars to bring me change.

New blood runs down
With mingled sin
My blood without
Your Blood within

I bleed the evil spirits dry
I want to wail
But will not cry.
I will not shed a lonely tear
For sorrow bends beneath my fear:

The fear of weakness;
Falling fast;
Of trusting things that cannot last;
Of peace and love;
of mercy strong;
Of broken heart;
Of healing song;
Of holy grace
And holy name
And all the Things that stay the Same.

But what I think I fear the least
Is sitting here alone in grief

If no one sees the sorrow fall
Then maybe I deny it all
And maybe I just made it up
And maybe I am really tough
And maybe life ain't all that bad
And maybe I'm not really sad....

But maybe Iam just a man
Who weaves his pain through lines of sand,
And hopes for tide to come and wash
Away the gain,
Erase the loss.

Or maybe wind will blur the lines
and give me hope and give me time
to clear my heart, to clear my mind
to clear my voice and praises find
In light of your Forgetfulness.

And not of my Unworthiness.

And maybe threads are razor scars
And maybe life is really hard
And maybe blood will cover sin
On other men who trust in Him.

But sin in me blood still requires
It needs to burn with cutting fire.

It needs another sSacrifice.
But just of pain,
And not of life
And just of blood
And not of soul.
Just my part,
not my whole.

And maybe I am really small
And bigger problems hide it all
And maybe I can sleep at night
In spite of thoughts that give me fright.

'Cause maybe I'm not all that bad....

And maybe I can stand and fight...

But, probably, I'm just a mess
Who'll never get it right.